hardened criminal

I used to be soft. how much, how little and how many times, i could cry ... almost at the drop of a hat.
how much i have changed, how everything affects me just the same, but my emotions have become too precious to spare.
how much i cared, how needy i was.
its a little too shameful a thought... all of those tears.... for what?
i guess though, now i understand, those tears were shed for this day. this day where i am whole in myself and complete in my own being.
how much i have hardened, sometimes baffles me and overwhelms me. what will soften me again? perhaps nothing. do i even want to go back to the clean slate? sometimes i want to be naive again, i want to be silly again. and sometimes i want nothing and want everything all at the same time.
why were all of those tears rolled down, sometimes, incessantly.... for this day.
why was i so needy, sometimes for days on end.... for this day.
this day of respite, this day of vengeance... vengeance because my emotions are for me to keep.
this day, this evening, when my heart is not racing, when my eyes are still, my mind is alert; yet my feelings surge. my impulses are controlled. i work, i type, i read. i pour it all out.
there is one direction and no deviations.
who do i have to thank for? myself, is too cliche.
there is magic, perhaps and so you flipped your robes and made everything streamlined again.
i have you to thank indeed.

"Is Shahar Mein Kisse Milein?.................. Hum Se to Choothi Mahafilein
Har Shakhs Tera Naam Le; Har Shakhs Tera Naam Le; Har Shakhs Diwana Tera............"

khoon chalaa

dheere dheere, khud par bharosa hone laga hai.

zindagi mein khauf ki jagah kam hoti jaa rahi hai aur himmat ki badhti jaa rahi hai.

har roz, savere, darr kuch kamm ho jata hai.

soch seemit aur badi hoti chali jaa rahi hai.

zindagi mushkil par raaste asaan hote jaa rahein hain.

aisa lagg raha hai, mai kuch bhi bann sakti hoon, kuchh bhi karr sakti hoon.

binaa kisi ke haath ko thaame, mai aagey badh sakti hoon, mai khush reh sakti hoon.

I had a Brother

I heard you were here when I was a baby too.
You left much before I could tell or had any say about you coming into our lives. Our mom thought of me over you, lil Man and thought of how I could be neglected since I was just 6 months old when she got to know of you.
so yes, I am more important to her than you :P

I don't know you, yet I know you so much. I sometimes think of you with light brown hair and deep brown eyes, slightly plump and very tall. Much taller than Dad by now. Your bike that dad probably hates and your guts that I can't stand. Your girlfriend thats clearly not into you but you don't listen to me or Big Sis or mom. You think shes HOT af. I think she needs a nose job. As usual, Dad is really not bothered about your dumb love life. He thinks you need to chill out. You are a Photographer and you work with a Travel Magazine. You travel all the time and I am so jealous. You send pictures all day while I'm at court and you tease me out with all the cusses possible. You and Big sis are both away and I am always the centre of attention for ma and pa.
I miss you both but don't say it because like hello? Who the heck misses their dumbass siblings. Thats like against the laws of siblinghood idiot.
You come home in the winter because you hate Delhi Summers. Mom doesn't know but I do.
She cries at the door and dad hugs you tight and pats your back at least 5 times and you take pride in it.
You get me a really ugly T shirt thats twice my size now and I tell you what a Bastard Brother I have. You tell me that you had no idea about my drastic weight loss and that I still look ugly.
I use that t shirt as a night tee.
You got mom the most beautiful earrings and dad some expensive wine.
Nani calls and you tell her how much you missed her. You meet her and all the lil sisters there pounce on you. You got everyone something and most of it is trashy. You treat all your sisters like some sidekicks. We hate you but We still love you.

I am crying and you ask me WTF is wrong with you idiot. I ask you to fuck off. You don't. You know whats wrong. You call my boyfriend and talk some sense. You get to know that I have cussed him first and he cussed back and now i am crying. You ask me to behave myself and ask him to handle me better. You tell us to respect each other or else let go.

My boyfriend thinks you are rather cool. You think my boyfriend is in love with me but wonder how someone can love me. But deep down you're proud.


I miss you and I dont even know you.
I miss you and i don't even have you.

My nana.

Nana.
As you lie there, unawares, I look at you and think of all the times I've spent with you. I look at your face and can't help recollect your pretentious loving anger towards me. I miss your heavy and strong hands gripping my wrist Everytime I came to visit you, asking me why, scolding me jokingly "why don't you come often you bad bad girl?"
Nana I really miss the days you would plant beautiful flowers in the garden on your house and tell me not to play around them, not to spoil the newly planted grass. I remember I would pluck your flowers and hide them from you. But you would take one look and know even if one flower were missing. "Gollaa khaye", you would say (i'll put bullets in you). And just forget about it. I know I was your favorite grandkid. I cannot forget your particular fondness for me. I remember how you would keep toffees and sweets just for me, hidden away. Being the fat kid that loves sweetstuff, you never failed to keep something tasty for me to eat in the house. I really miss how you would jokingly hold my neck, pretending to kill me "Aaj iska galaa katna hai". I used to be laugh it off as a kid and you would ask dad if you had me insured. Dad would say no and you would say "teri beti ka galaa kaatne wala hai". I would scream and laugh and you would say "aayegi ab aur milne" and make me promise that i'd come see you more often.
Nana I saw you as an amazing man, so very good and brave at heart. Full of principles, never once partial, afraid. I looked up to you and became a lawyer just like you. I wish I grow up to be known for my honesty and good deeds, professional integrity just like you.
I really really love you Nana. I really wish you wake up once and hold my hand like old days just once and threaten to kill me. I really miss you. Please don't go...

Love, your mota bacha. 

jai Hanuman gyaan gun sagar.

First of.... if a man loves you, and I mean MAN, not a bloody half dude dickhead... he WILL be there for you when you're in trouble, be it 3 in the morning or 3 at noon.
If he let's you stay out at 3 am, he probably trusts you OR he doesn't give a shit.
If he trusts you, he will probably pick your call and be there if you're in deep shit.
If he doesn't give a shit, he'll tell you to fuck off and let him sleep.
Hats off, hats bloody off to women that stick to guys that don't give a shit. Hats off to them if they still have physical/ emotional proximity to them at any given point in tim. Takes SOME guts to be one of those "bitches".
Maybe im too proud about never being one. But I guess I have been blessed to have been the blessed lot.
In my quest for all the thankfulness that I owe to the almighty, I would like to see the temples face every morning. So another 5 minutes of less sleep.
Hanuman Ji, been too ungrateful to you. The least I can do is thank you for all that you've blessed me with.
Really, keep showering your blessings on me and give me the courage to speak my heart out. And face everything there is to offer post that.
You be awesome. And I be gutsy thus.

im me.

I don't know how long is this euphoric self of mine is going to last but well till it does.... I might as well revel in it.
I don't know what it is, why am I so jumpy, perky and in a full on swagger mood.
I guess it's probably because of all the love that I get from such amazing people that surround me. I am extremely lucky, extremely bloody lucky to be blessed with people that ACTUALLY care for me. That ACTUALLY stand up for me. That really do believe that I am nice, I am worth it, that I'm even worth chilling with.
I mean honestly, if I were someone else, i'd be like oh no I'm not hanging out with a psycho like sanya.
But seriously man, all of you guys that actually like to chill with me,i really really love you man.
You are Awesomee people.
Lol.
What a bloody shift of topic that was.
Anyway, I just feel happy, happy that I made a niche for myself in some hearts. I'm happy that I found my passion in the work that I do. Im  happy that I'm so much more efficient. Punctual. Active. always on the go! I'm happy that I chose good people. I'm happy that I'm strong enough to weed out those that only hate and bitch me out. I'm happy that I found some recent new folks that I absolutely adore because they just seem genuinely nice. Like you know they can differentiate between the good and the bad. I'm happy that I'm gutsy, I'm happy that im always laughing. I'm happy that I'm me. Finally. It did happen afterall. :)

Dumb conversations, hot people.

How much do you love reading?
"More than I love making I with you"
No! You love making out with me!
"That's how much I love reading"
So if im lying next to you and you're reading the most interesting book, what would you choose?
"I'd read"
No you'd kiss me.
"This is the dumbest conversation ever"
You are hot.
"You are like 100000 level physically compatible"
*kiss**kiss*kisss*.

Ok, I don't like reading more.